A Disappointing Day

Today began with me being late to work, again. According to the clock on the wall at work, it was straight-up 9:00 a.m., which would mean I was on time for once. However, the mood of the other employees made me feel as if I was late, even though someone else arrived after me. I HATE being late anytime, but being late to work kills me. I'm extremely frustrated and disgusted because no matter how early I wake up, and no matter how organized I am the night before, I'm always late. Sometimes I just lose track of time when I'm getting ready in the bathroom, other times traffic is horrible and I just seem to get stopped at every red light in the city. My boss has never said anything to me about my tardiness; she doesn't have to, as her looks and attitude toward me speak volumes. I have two more days of working in the Circuit Court Clerk's Office this break, and I want nothing more than to be EARLY, not on time, but EARLY.

After working all day and being exhausted because I only got three hours of sleep last night, my mom and I drove to Dulles to go shopping for some clothes for me to wear in Spain. We went to my favorite store: Gap. I love Gap clothes. They are classic, well-made, and beautiful. It is the only store where I can find pants that fit me perfectly. Well tonight they had a huge after-Christmas sale, and I mean HUGE. They were selling $60 jeans for $10-$20, and nearly everything else was discounted.

I was extremely disappointed. Out of the 10 pairs of pants and 2 shirts I tried on, only 2 pairs of pants fit, and they were too long, and therefore need to be hemmed before next Wednesday. I have gained more weight. I don't know how or why, but I have. I MUST lose weight; approximately 50 pounds if I want to be at least satisfied with my figure. I HATE EVERYTHING about myself right now. I hate all of my physical features except for my blue eyes, and naturally curly and blonde hair. Additionally, I hate my personality and my emotions, and some of my impulsive actions. This negative self image does nothing to help me out of this fog of depression. I think that if I was beautiful and skinny, and therefore happy with myself, all of my problems would be solved: I'd be more outgoing and positive, I wouldn't be terrified of public speaking, I'd have more friends and a boyfriend, etc. If I become a size larger I'll either become anorexic/bulimic or I'll kill myself; there is no way I could ever accept my body at that size.

Finally, tonight while I was checking my bank account to see if my Christmas money had gone into savings, I learned I was $42.00 overdraft, that is with the outrageous $34.oo overdraft fee. I was freaking $8.00 over and get slapped with a $34.oo fee; ugh.... I digress. I think I'll have very little spending money for Spain, which is exactly the circumstance I didn't want to be in. It is going to really suck having to worry about every penny I spend over there; especially when I should be concerned with doing well in the class I'm taking and with having a tremendous amount of fun.

I also learned tonight that I'll have to buy a plug adapter and possibly a power converter to allow all of my electronics to work over there. That's fine, because I was already expecting to purchase these items. But on top of that, it appears that I'll have to buy a new power cord for my laptop that will accommodate the 220 volts used in Europe, but Dell doesn't sell those on its website (WTF?). I HAVE to have my laptop over there, or I will be declared mentally insane. I hate to feel as if I'm disconnected from the few friends I have. It is also necessary for me to have it in order to be able to download all of the pictures I take in Spain.

What to do, what to do...?

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Communication; A Return?; Stress and Panic Attacks; My Past: My Worries; My Poor Betta, Firenze

Okay, I'll admit that today has been a better day than yesterday.

I started to communicate with some people. Hopefully it is a start to things being close to the way they were, because after everything that I have said and done, I wouldn't expect things to be the same. I hope to explain myself and try to smooth things over as well as I can.

Today I was told that I totally misunderstood everything, and it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it. In some ways, that is a relief, but in other ways, I feel completely stupid and embarrassed.

I still haven't made up my mind about staying here for the next 3 years. In some ways, I really love it here. All of my professors have been excellent, and a few have been exceptional. The setting is quite nice and the campus is beautiful. Most of the people around here are nice (at least some of the time), although I would like more diversity. I would love to have many more international students here. I would also like more diversity when it comes to social backgrounds. It seems as if the majority of the students here are white, beautiful, and rich; not that there is anything wrong with that, it just isn't reality.

Besides stress coming from my social life and my relationships with the people around me, I have also been stressed about my school work. I have already fallen way behind on readings, and it seems as if I will never be able to get caught up. I also have many projects, presentations, and lengthy papers to due this semester. I am a chronic and habitual procrastinator, which doesn't help me in this situation. Early in the semester, I was doing really well and was completing assignments ahead of time.

Another thing that makes me extremely stressed out, anxious, and nervous are the presentations that I must do. I have many self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I am always worried about being judged by others around me. I know I'm not very pretty or very thin, like many other girls around here, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I want to lose weight but going to the crowded gym is just too nerve-wracking. I try to eat right, but with all the stress and the late nights, I do tend to snack. When I'm depressed, I tend to binge eat. So for the moment, I feel trapped. When I tell people how nervous I am about the presentations, they tell me that everyone is nervous; they have no idea how nervous I get. When I give presentations, I usually have a panic attack. During a panic attack, I can hear my heartbeat inside my head. I begin to stutter and my pulse races frantically. The worst part though is feeling as if I am going to die, because I can't force my body to breathe; it is as if I am unintentionally suffocating myself in front of the class. I am working to alleviate my panic attacks and nervousness, but I know it will take time and practice.

My betta is currently living in a flower vase, and I don't think he is too happy about that. Tomorrow I hope to get him a new fish bowl and possible some glass marbles to replace the rocks that pollute his water with flecks of paint.

I have also been dealing with a lot of stuff from my past; namely my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father. My parents divorced when I was three because my father was an abusive alcoholic. Around Christmas when I was three, I watched my father attempt to strangle my mother. That memory continues to haunt me to this day. Despite his alcoholism, my father got partial custody of my younger sister and me. My father was like two totally different people combined into one. When he was drunk, he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards my sister and me. The littlest thing could set him off, and I was constantly walking on eggshells around him for fear of pissing him off. On the otherhand, when he was sober, he was the greatest father. He took us to the park, played baseball with us, and let us help him cook dinner. Despite everything he has done, I still love him and care about him. I hate some of the things he's done, but I still love him as a person and as my father. I never really told my mother what happened at my dad's house for fear of creating another conflict between my parents; besides, it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. While at my father's house, I was the mother to my sister. I made sure she took a bath and ate every meal. I made sure she didn't do anything to upset my father. To this day, I am still trying to boss her around in a way that should be left to my mother, which has created a rift between my sister and I. I am trying to stop being her mother and start being her big sister.

Short Sidenote: The Apple Blossom Festival takes place in my hometown of Winchester, Virginia, every year on the first weekend in May. There is a circus, a carnival, two parades, and many celebrities; which combine into one big party all over the city. It is to celebrate the blossoms blooming on the apple trees because Winchester and surrounding Frederick County was at one point in time the Apple Capital of the World. In fact, White House apple products are still produced and manufactured there.

When I was 12, my father asked me whether or not I wanted to spend Apple Blossom weekend with him. My mother usually took my sister and I to the circus and the parades. My father's idea of celebrating Apple Blossom was watching the parades on television. I called my father the week before Apple Blossom and told him that my sister and I would rather spend the weekend with my mother. He said okay. Well, my father never came to pick my sister and me up again. The weekend he asked me what I wanted to do for Apple Blossom was the last time I saw him. We have been estranged now for seven years. He always remembered our birthdays and would send cards to us. He would send us cards for all the major holidays as well. My sister and I would always send thank you cards in return. I believe last year, we forgot to send him a thank you card for the Easter cards he sent us. Since then he hasn't sent any cards. This Christmas, for the first time ever, we didn't get a card from him. I was hoping that I would at least get a card from him for my birthday which was February 10. His card was really all I wanted, even though I got many other nice things. But I didn't receive anything from him. I have been debating whether or not to send him a note to tell him if he would like to, he could send me letters here to R-MC. That way my mom wouldn't know about it, because my father is still a very sore subject; and plus I feel really weird whenever my father sends stuff to my mom's house.

I am also concerned with my mother's health. Her carotid artery is beginning to become clogged. The doctors have said that her diet and excercise are perfect and thus, there is no way to improve them. She is taking medication that makes her sick and may not even be helping. She is a single mother who works an 8 hour day. She gets up between 4:30 and 5:00 every morning and works non-stop at the hospital or at home until she goes to bed around 10:00 pm. I wish I were home so I could help her out. I feel helpless being two hours away. This is another factor that has caused me to question remaining at school.

All of these things combined has made me depressed, pissed off, and irritable lately. This has most likely exacerbated the conflict I have found myself in.

Well I think I have written enough for today. It is 11 pm and I haven't done any homework that is due tomorrow.