A Long, Short Day

In the wee hours of this morning, at 3:30 a.m., I got a call from one of my friends. I wasn't upset at all because I was wide awake and up organizing my photos.

She had a fight with her roommate and didn't want to sleep in the same room with her and asked if she could sleep in my room. I said I didn't mind and she came over. We talked until 4:30 a.m., and then turned the lights off in order to sleep. I could not get to sleep. My friend snored really loud, keeping me awake until 6 a.m. when I became too exhausted to be bothered by noise.

I woke up at 10 a.m. to my alarm going off. I was planning to go back to the Hollywood Cemetery and take some more pictures. I decided to go back to sleep, because my friend was still asleep on my floor. I woke up again at 1:30 p.m. with my friend gone. I couldn't believe I had slept so long.

I got up and got ready and headed to the cemetery a lot later than I had planned on. Regardless, I made it to the cemetery around 3:40 p.m. I found a place to park and walked for a good while, finding a few good subjects to photograph. I then got back in my car and went looking for the tall pyramid structure that is a memorial to the Confederate soldiers. I wasn't successful and decided to leave. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get more photos.

When I got back to school, I told another one of my friends, Sara, about my adventure. She told me that she loved going to that cemetery, and to let her know when I was going back, because she wanted to come. This made me really happy, as I hardly ever have people that want to go out and take pictures.

The Beginning of Another Year

I arrived at school yesterday to begin my junior year of college. I think I brought almost everything I own with me, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to fit all of it in my cozy (a.k.a. small) single room.

Tonight I had a wonderful dinner with some of my friends, but knew that as soon as dinner was over I'd go back to my dorm room and it would be in the same cluttered and messy condition as when I left it.

I like things to be neat and organized, so I know exactly where everything is. I like for my room to be tidy and well-kept, as this curtails one cause of stress in my life. When my room is messy, I can't find anything. This causes me to panic, especially when I am running late.

After looking at the room and realizing how long it would take me to get everything unpacked and organized, I became overwhelmed. I got online and began talking to one of my friends who knows the state of my mental health. It didn't take long for the conversation to begin to take a dark and negative tone. I let my feelings of hopelessness and frustration dictate what I wrote. My friend kept telling me to just vent and let it all out, and I repeatedly gave negative responses to her questions and comments. She said that was fine with her, but then she suddenly signed off of AIM. I think that was her way of telling me she was tired of hearing about all of my issues and problems and especially me being negative. When she signed back on a few minutes later, she didn't even acknowledge me. I guess she didn't mean what she said earlier about being "more than happy to listen."

I think I really get on people's nerves. I think after people have dealt with my emotional issues for so long, I just need to disappear from their lives in order to free them from the burden I place on them. I care about them so much that I feel that separating myself from them forever, or at least until I get my emotions in check, which could be forever, is the best thing for them.

Alpha Retreat in Lynchburg This Past Weekend

This past weekend I went on an Alpha retreat to Lynchburg, Virginia with the United Methodist church affiliated with the college.

It was exactly what I needed; a chance to get away, relax, and be happy. The weather and the mountains were absolutely gorgeous. The trees all had new, lush, green leaves on them. The air was clean and refreshing.

I went on the retreat with Liz (a friend of mine here at school), Pastor Ed (the youth minister at the United Methodist Church associated with the college), and Daniel (Ed's younger brother). We stayed in the church of Pastor Ed's in-laws. His in-laws are such wonderful and kind people. Ed's father-in-law is the minister of the church we stayed in. The church has its own gym with full-size basketball court and two kitchens. On Saturday, we moved into the church, and played some basketball. Later that day, we went on a scavenger hunt on the river walk in Lynchburg, Virginia (you can view the pictures below). The river walk and scavenger hunt were a lot of fun. The retreat was relaxing and refreshing; I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Out of all the pictures I took in Lynchburg, this is my favorite. I absolutely love the blue sky and the beautiful pink flowers against it.


This is a picture I took of the river fountain and a few buildings in downtown Lynchburg, Virginia.

This is a picture of a dam along the river walk. It was very beautiful and the roar of the falling water was deafening.

Here is a picture of the Virginia state tree, the dogwood.

This is an enormous, ancient tree on the river walk in Lynchburg, Virginia. It has an interesting root system that cascades down the hill like a waterfall. Over the years, many people have carved messages into the tree.

This is an old train tunnel that people pass through on the river walk in historic Lynchburg, Virginia. When inside, one wonders how a train actually fit in it.

This is a picture of the vegetation and rocks that can be seen on the river walk in Lynchburg, Virginia. There were droplets of water running down the rocks, and in some instances, they were a natural waterfall, providing the soothing sound of falling water.

A Nice Weekend; My Feelings on Relationships; A Lot of Work

I had the best weekend I've had in quite a while.

I went to the college's women's basketball game on Saturday. They beat the George Fox Bruins, who were from Oregon, and advance to the NCAA Division III Final Four. Go Yellow Jackets! After the game, I went to a local coffee shop with a friend and some of her friends. We had an awesome time hanging out. Today, Sunday, I went to work on a Spanish presentation at a girl's house. She has such a beautiful, old home and the surrounding land reminded me of home.

I was reading my friend Nina's blog and she was able to describe what I have been thinking and feeling for a while.

She wrote:

"I operate on the basic assumption that once I have stopped entertaining you, once I show my nasty side or have a bad day or disappoint you, you will leave. That is a constant terror that I feel every day. And the closer I get to someone, the worse it gets. Which is unfortunate, because this year I have formed a few very close relationships for the first time in God only knows how long and every day I torment myself over what I have to do to keep from losing them. And no matter how much evidence I have been shown that disputes my assumption and no matter how many people make promises, it doesn't seem to help much."

This is the last week before Spring Break and I have so much work to do. I am so stressed out. Tomorrow I have to have a 3-5 page ethnographic review due, and I have yet to start writing it, even though it is nearly 11:30 p.m. I have already resigned myself to the fact that I will probably be up all night.

The Fireworks; Room Situation for Next Year; Procrastination; Returning Next Year?

I got really busy and really upset and really depressed which has delayed me in writing.

Anyway, about the fireworks. Amanda (a girl here at school) and I are no longer friends. It's quite a long story and I may elaborate at a later date. I'm not upset, nor do I really care, about the dissolution of our friendship. I've been less stressed out. I'm no longer worrying about avoiding her or explaining why I've been avoiding her.

I'm kind of worried about who I am going to room with next year. All of my friends have either paired off or want to be Resident Assistants (which will give them their own room). I have briefly investigated getting a single next year. According to the school, it is very rare that they have them, they are based on seniority, and they cost extra. I don't mind paying an additional $500 if I will be living by myself, even if it is in the basement of Mary Branch. I just want to avoid living with someone that I have nothing in common with and can't really relate to. This situation is giving me a lot of stress, because the room lottery is coming up.

I've been doing better on my procrastination. This weekend I really got some homework done. I have a lot of tests, projects, and presentations coming up. All within a month of each other, and it is just really stressfull. Thank goodness the counseling services here are free and the counselors know what they're doing.

I'm still questioning whether or not I want to return here next year. I absolutely love the campus, because it is historic, small, and park-like. The professors are the best. I haven't had one yet that I haven't enjoyed, even if the subject matter was boring or difficult. Some of the professors are absolutely incredible, and totally worth tuition (I just wish more of my tuition was going toward paying their salary). On the other hand, I really don't feel motivated to do all of the assigned work. Miraculously, I made the Dean's List and had a GPA above 3.5 the fall semester, without even really trying. I could have done so much better if I would apply myself, but without motivation that is very difficult to do. I think I might stay here for another year, and see how things go.

An Explosion of Fireworks

Fireworks flew last night around 11:30 p.m.

More details to come later today, hopefully, if I'm not too tired.

A Really Awful Day

Today has been a really awful day.

I took a walk into the shopping area near the train tracks here in Ashland, in order to go to the local pet store. The pet store was of better quality than I expected it to be. They had almost anything you could ever need.

I came back to my dorm room in order to clean my betta's tank, because it had been a week and the water was putrid. After safely transferring Firenze from his bowl, I went to dump the rocks from the bowl into a strainer to clean them. The middle finger on my left hand went straight through the glass, cutting my finger and embedding glass. I was bleeding quite badly and was trying to get the glass shards out of my finger. Eventually the flow of blood stopped, but I have yet to get the glass out from under my skin. Hopefully it will heal soon and not be too sore.

And if that wasn't enough, I feel very lonely because it is the weekend and I am doing nothing. I made some friends in the beginning of the year, and eventually gained completely different friends. I have very rarely had contact with my old friends, even though they live in the same hall. I feel horrible about the abrupt ending of our friendship.

I was having so much fun with my new friends and, believe it or not, I actually had a real social life for the first time ever. Now that is all gone. I don't know whether or not we are still friends. They never contact me, and whenever I knock on their doors, I feel like a stranger and an intruder. And despite what they may think, I have no other friends, only acquaintances. I have returned to being the social outcast I was in high school. I had friends, mind you, but we rarely talked outside of school, and never went out anywhere. In high school, I had no idea what I was missing. Then a few weeks ago, I gained a pretty good social life, just to have it crumble away. If I knew that this would happen, I would have never joined all the social fun. It is so much easier not to know what you are missing.

I am having serious doubts about graduating from this school, when a while ago I said I could stay here for six years. If I had my choice, I would leave this depression-filled nightmare behind and return home now, where it is okay to be a social outcast. At home, no one knows when I eat alone in the living room. Here, if you go to dinner alone people talk about you while staring, and wonder why no one wants to sit with you. Tonight no one came to ask me to go to dinner. So I decided just to go to the school's fast food place and get dinner to go. That way I could bring it back to my room and eat alone without anyone staring at me. While walking back by myself, people would look at me and then look away, as if I were not worth saying hello to. If you take a walk by yourself here, people think that there is something wrong with you. At home, it is okay to do anything by yourself including eating, walking, and shopping.

I have never actually had what I would consider a best friend, and I think my hopes of ever finding one here have just disappeared. I have heard most of my friends talking about how they won't be graduating from here. Is it worth me staying here if I will have no friends to graduate with or celebrate with? I don't know.

One of my maybe-friends (the new friends I made, but am not sure if I am still welcome in their group) told me yesterday that she was upset with me because she thought that I was trying to steal her best friend (another one of my maybe-friends) away from her. She said this because a lot of the things she used to do with her, I was now doing with her, and they never had any time just to do stuff by themselves. Yesterday I tried to stay out of their hair as best as I could. And today I only briefly talked to one of them. I will admit that they are hanging out more, now that I am out of the picture.

Ever since this morning, no one has attempted to talk to me. Apparently, I don't matter enough anymore to be worth their time or attention. I guess that's okay though. I should get more sleep and more homework done now that all my free time is completely freed up. And with me not having a car, and all of my maybe-friends having one, I guess I won't be making trips to Wal-Mart or Target and spending money I really don't have. Am I bitter and just trying to make myself feel better, because there is no one else to do it? Possibly.

My Nineteenth Birthday

I've made more friends here at school and have become better friends with old acquaintances. My birthday was February 10, and I am now nineteen. My friends and I went to eat at Chipotle and then we went to see the new movie "Hitch" at Virginia Center Commons.

For my birthday I got many gifts from friends which I love. Julia gave me a beautiful green suede necklace with a green stone as a pendant. Becca gave me a black and white watch, which matches a Coach bag I really want. Marisa gave me an awesome stationary set with a modern design. Amanda gave me a purple picture frame and beautiful potted tulips. My grandmother and aunt gave me a generous amount of money and are sending a box of gifts here soon. My mom took me shopping, and bought me a necklace that I absolutely love.

I recently got a red betta and named him "Firenze," which means Florence in Italian. He is gorgeous because in between the creases in his rear fin there are turquoise stripes and the entire rear fin has a black outline around the edges.