A Disappointing Day

Today began with me being late to work, again. According to the clock on the wall at work, it was straight-up 9:00 a.m., which would mean I was on time for once. However, the mood of the other employees made me feel as if I was late, even though someone else arrived after me. I HATE being late anytime, but being late to work kills me. I'm extremely frustrated and disgusted because no matter how early I wake up, and no matter how organized I am the night before, I'm always late. Sometimes I just lose track of time when I'm getting ready in the bathroom, other times traffic is horrible and I just seem to get stopped at every red light in the city. My boss has never said anything to me about my tardiness; she doesn't have to, as her looks and attitude toward me speak volumes. I have two more days of working in the Circuit Court Clerk's Office this break, and I want nothing more than to be EARLY, not on time, but EARLY.

After working all day and being exhausted because I only got three hours of sleep last night, my mom and I drove to Dulles to go shopping for some clothes for me to wear in Spain. We went to my favorite store: Gap. I love Gap clothes. They are classic, well-made, and beautiful. It is the only store where I can find pants that fit me perfectly. Well tonight they had a huge after-Christmas sale, and I mean HUGE. They were selling $60 jeans for $10-$20, and nearly everything else was discounted.

I was extremely disappointed. Out of the 10 pairs of pants and 2 shirts I tried on, only 2 pairs of pants fit, and they were too long, and therefore need to be hemmed before next Wednesday. I have gained more weight. I don't know how or why, but I have. I MUST lose weight; approximately 50 pounds if I want to be at least satisfied with my figure. I HATE EVERYTHING about myself right now. I hate all of my physical features except for my blue eyes, and naturally curly and blonde hair. Additionally, I hate my personality and my emotions, and some of my impulsive actions. This negative self image does nothing to help me out of this fog of depression. I think that if I was beautiful and skinny, and therefore happy with myself, all of my problems would be solved: I'd be more outgoing and positive, I wouldn't be terrified of public speaking, I'd have more friends and a boyfriend, etc. If I become a size larger I'll either become anorexic/bulimic or I'll kill myself; there is no way I could ever accept my body at that size.

Finally, tonight while I was checking my bank account to see if my Christmas money had gone into savings, I learned I was $42.00 overdraft, that is with the outrageous $34.oo overdraft fee. I was freaking $8.00 over and get slapped with a $34.oo fee; ugh.... I digress. I think I'll have very little spending money for Spain, which is exactly the circumstance I didn't want to be in. It is going to really suck having to worry about every penny I spend over there; especially when I should be concerned with doing well in the class I'm taking and with having a tremendous amount of fun.

I also learned tonight that I'll have to buy a plug adapter and possibly a power converter to allow all of my electronics to work over there. That's fine, because I was already expecting to purchase these items. But on top of that, it appears that I'll have to buy a new power cord for my laptop that will accommodate the 220 volts used in Europe, but Dell doesn't sell those on its website (WTF?). I HAVE to have my laptop over there, or I will be declared mentally insane. I hate to feel as if I'm disconnected from the few friends I have. It is also necessary for me to have it in order to be able to download all of the pictures I take in Spain.

What to do, what to do...?

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

The Beginning of Another Year

I arrived at school yesterday to begin my junior year of college. I think I brought almost everything I own with me, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to fit all of it in my cozy (a.k.a. small) single room.

Tonight I had a wonderful dinner with some of my friends, but knew that as soon as dinner was over I'd go back to my dorm room and it would be in the same cluttered and messy condition as when I left it.

I like things to be neat and organized, so I know exactly where everything is. I like for my room to be tidy and well-kept, as this curtails one cause of stress in my life. When my room is messy, I can't find anything. This causes me to panic, especially when I am running late.

After looking at the room and realizing how long it would take me to get everything unpacked and organized, I became overwhelmed. I got online and began talking to one of my friends who knows the state of my mental health. It didn't take long for the conversation to begin to take a dark and negative tone. I let my feelings of hopelessness and frustration dictate what I wrote. My friend kept telling me to just vent and let it all out, and I repeatedly gave negative responses to her questions and comments. She said that was fine with her, but then she suddenly signed off of AIM. I think that was her way of telling me she was tired of hearing about all of my issues and problems and especially me being negative. When she signed back on a few minutes later, she didn't even acknowledge me. I guess she didn't mean what she said earlier about being "more than happy to listen."

I think I really get on people's nerves. I think after people have dealt with my emotional issues for so long, I just need to disappear from their lives in order to free them from the burden I place on them. I care about them so much that I feel that separating myself from them forever, or at least until I get my emotions in check, which could be forever, is the best thing for them.