Another Day of Class; The Return of Wireless; Conversation With a Professor; Interesting Pizza

Today started off like any other day, except I stayed in bed a little longer than normal, and finally got up around 7 a.m. I afforded myself that luxury because today was laundry day, and with the washer running I knew there would be no hot water for my morning shower. I really wish I could have gotten a shower. I absolutely hate to leave the house, whether here or at home, without showering first. As of now, I still haven't taken one because the washer has been running non-stop all day; I think I'll just wait until tomorrow. The European washers are much smaller than the American ones, so trying to wash a week's worth of clothes for four people takes many loads of laundry to complete.

We have wireless internet again! I thought I would die without it. I know that's horrible to say, but it is true. Pepita buys the internet and router just for the students who stay with her; she doesn't have a computer of her own. I hope we have the net for the rest of the month, it is so much easier to communicate with it.

I had another conversation with Prof. Bd tonight. We met at a small cafe to discuss things. I told her that I was considering going home because of stress and feeling fatigued all of the time. She said that since our last conversation, she had been thinking and thought that it would be in my best interest to return home. I told her that I didn't necessarily want to return to the U.S. because I love Spain. It isn't that I'm homesick or physically ill, I just feel mentally and emotionally horrible a lot. I told her how much class was stressing me out. Today I made myself physically ill with the thought of going to class. I had to leave the class halfway through because I thought I was going to be sick, and I felt that a panic attack was forthcoming. She said that she was sure that accommodations could be made that would ease my stress. Prof. Bd was very understanding and compassionate. She was going to discuss things with my professor to see what could be done.

We had pizza today, and it was very interesting to say the least. Pepita made them homemade, and of course there was the usual sauce and cheese put on top; and because we were in Spain, a pork product was necessary as well. I'm not sure whether it was ham, bacon, or sausage, but it tasted fine. The one thing I could not stand about this pizza was the egg. Yes, I said EGG. Pepita cracked a raw egg on top of the unbaked pizza and put the entire thing in the microwave. It was not tasty, and the egg was runny because it wasn't cooked all the way. If it wasn't for the egg, the pizza would've been great. I hope next time she doesn't put the egg on.

Did You See That?!; Dreading Today; Hoping for a Shipping Miracle

Firstly, I just finished watching the Fiesta Bowl between the Oklahoma Sooners and the Boise State Broncos. It was an awesome game. Oklahoma was very heavily favored over Boise. At first Boise was trampling the Sooners, and I pretty much thought they were going to run all over Oklahoma. The Sooners did manage to score many unanswered points to tie the game. With only a minute or so left, the Sooners went ahead by seven, but Boise came back to tie it with a few seconds left on the clock. The game then went into overtime. The Sooners struck first with a running touchdown by Adrian Peterson and made the point after. But then the Broncos came back and scored. They wanted to win the game and be "Cinderella", so they went for the two point conversion. An awesome play fake was called and the runner went in untouched. The final score was: 43-42. If you didn't see it, you should definitely download it from the iTunes Music Store, or watch for it on ESPNU.

On t.v. when they were interviewing a player, he proposed to his girlfriend, the head cheerleader, and she accepted. It was touching, as much as it could be, but the announcer interviewing the player completely ruined the surprise. He announced something to the effect of, "And now we have a proposal..." I know that announcers are paid to speak, but they should know when to keep their mouths shut.

Today I have a lot to accomplish, and it is going to be extremely stressful. I have to wash all of my clothes and pack what I'm not planning to wear today/tomorrow. I have to paint my toenails; Yes, this is important as I bought a new pair of Reef flip flops to wear in Spain. I have to clean my big aquarium, and put some more water in it. Next, I have to set up three 2.5 gallon aquariums for my bettas. I even splurged and bought each one a heater so they can stay nice and warm while I'm away. I think they are a little chilly now and we have yet to see any really cold weather, so I think they'd turn into fishsticles (fish+icicles) if the temperature dropped. I really care about my bettas, but I have to wash out/disinfect three aquariums before I can put water in them, which has made me procrastinate until the last day I am home. I also have to buy a converter at Radio Shack so I can use my battery charger and cell phone charger overseas. I have to buy the rest of the toiletries that I've forgot to purchase. There are other things that I must do today, but I can't think of them at the moment. Hopefully I'll get all of them accomplished with enough time left over for me to relax tonight.

I also could not find a step-down transformer to use with my laptop in Spain. Therefore I had to order a European Dell powercord. The company I ordered from was closed on Monday, so the order should be filled today. I paid $30.00 in shipping charges to get it mid-morning the next day (Wednesday). I'm a little concerned because my mom wants to leave for Richmond by 11 a.m. at the latest. The powercord has got to get here before I leave. It would be so much easier to find things that would work with my laptop overseas if I didn't have a Dell.

The Beginning of Another Year

I arrived at school yesterday to begin my junior year of college. I think I brought almost everything I own with me, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to fit all of it in my cozy (a.k.a. small) single room.

Tonight I had a wonderful dinner with some of my friends, but knew that as soon as dinner was over I'd go back to my dorm room and it would be in the same cluttered and messy condition as when I left it.

I like things to be neat and organized, so I know exactly where everything is. I like for my room to be tidy and well-kept, as this curtails one cause of stress in my life. When my room is messy, I can't find anything. This causes me to panic, especially when I am running late.

After looking at the room and realizing how long it would take me to get everything unpacked and organized, I became overwhelmed. I got online and began talking to one of my friends who knows the state of my mental health. It didn't take long for the conversation to begin to take a dark and negative tone. I let my feelings of hopelessness and frustration dictate what I wrote. My friend kept telling me to just vent and let it all out, and I repeatedly gave negative responses to her questions and comments. She said that was fine with her, but then she suddenly signed off of AIM. I think that was her way of telling me she was tired of hearing about all of my issues and problems and especially me being negative. When she signed back on a few minutes later, she didn't even acknowledge me. I guess she didn't mean what she said earlier about being "more than happy to listen."

I think I really get on people's nerves. I think after people have dealt with my emotional issues for so long, I just need to disappear from their lives in order to free them from the burden I place on them. I care about them so much that I feel that separating myself from them forever, or at least until I get my emotions in check, which could be forever, is the best thing for them.

A Nice Weekend; My Feelings on Relationships; A Lot of Work

I had the best weekend I've had in quite a while.

I went to the college's women's basketball game on Saturday. They beat the George Fox Bruins, who were from Oregon, and advance to the NCAA Division III Final Four. Go Yellow Jackets! After the game, I went to a local coffee shop with a friend and some of her friends. We had an awesome time hanging out. Today, Sunday, I went to work on a Spanish presentation at a girl's house. She has such a beautiful, old home and the surrounding land reminded me of home.

I was reading my friend Nina's blog and she was able to describe what I have been thinking and feeling for a while.

She wrote:

"I operate on the basic assumption that once I have stopped entertaining you, once I show my nasty side or have a bad day or disappoint you, you will leave. That is a constant terror that I feel every day. And the closer I get to someone, the worse it gets. Which is unfortunate, because this year I have formed a few very close relationships for the first time in God only knows how long and every day I torment myself over what I have to do to keep from losing them. And no matter how much evidence I have been shown that disputes my assumption and no matter how many people make promises, it doesn't seem to help much."

This is the last week before Spring Break and I have so much work to do. I am so stressed out. Tomorrow I have to have a 3-5 page ethnographic review due, and I have yet to start writing it, even though it is nearly 11:30 p.m. I have already resigned myself to the fact that I will probably be up all night.

Trying My Hardest; Nice Exam Grade; Photography Job

I have been trying my best to get all of my homework done on time or ahead of schedule. Some days I have been able to do this, but other days I haven't. I'm still feeling really stressed about the amount of work I have to do. I keep trying just to take them one at a time and check them off the list, but some of the projects require a lot of time and effort, so I need to begin them now.

On Monday I have an ethnographic book review to finish. I think the hardest part of that will be analyzing the research methods used by the ethnographer. I can't wait to get it done so I won't have to worry about it anymore.

On Tuesday I got my first Microeconomics exam back. I received a 99%, the highest grade in the class. I am extremely happy about that because each of the three exams I have in that class is worth 30% of my final grade.

I am extremely nervous about tonight. My boss called me a few hours ago to ask if I would be interested in doing some work tonight. I really don't feel like I can say no because I have nothing better to do. Besides, I would be paid for it. I have to go to a reception with a "small crowd" and take some pictures of a man receiving an honorary degree from the college. Chances are I won't know anyone there, and I'll feel nervous taking pictures of a distinguished man I have just met. I never take pictures of people, especially really important people. I am so worried that I am going to screw up, and have no clue what I am doing.

I'll let you know how it goes later.

The Fireworks; Room Situation for Next Year; Procrastination; Returning Next Year?

I got really busy and really upset and really depressed which has delayed me in writing.

Anyway, about the fireworks. Amanda (a girl here at school) and I are no longer friends. It's quite a long story and I may elaborate at a later date. I'm not upset, nor do I really care, about the dissolution of our friendship. I've been less stressed out. I'm no longer worrying about avoiding her or explaining why I've been avoiding her.

I'm kind of worried about who I am going to room with next year. All of my friends have either paired off or want to be Resident Assistants (which will give them their own room). I have briefly investigated getting a single next year. According to the school, it is very rare that they have them, they are based on seniority, and they cost extra. I don't mind paying an additional $500 if I will be living by myself, even if it is in the basement of Mary Branch. I just want to avoid living with someone that I have nothing in common with and can't really relate to. This situation is giving me a lot of stress, because the room lottery is coming up.

I've been doing better on my procrastination. This weekend I really got some homework done. I have a lot of tests, projects, and presentations coming up. All within a month of each other, and it is just really stressfull. Thank goodness the counseling services here are free and the counselors know what they're doing.

I'm still questioning whether or not I want to return here next year. I absolutely love the campus, because it is historic, small, and park-like. The professors are the best. I haven't had one yet that I haven't enjoyed, even if the subject matter was boring or difficult. Some of the professors are absolutely incredible, and totally worth tuition (I just wish more of my tuition was going toward paying their salary). On the other hand, I really don't feel motivated to do all of the assigned work. Miraculously, I made the Dean's List and had a GPA above 3.5 the fall semester, without even really trying. I could have done so much better if I would apply myself, but without motivation that is very difficult to do. I think I might stay here for another year, and see how things go.

Communication; A Return?; Stress and Panic Attacks; My Past: My Worries; My Poor Betta, Firenze

Okay, I'll admit that today has been a better day than yesterday.

I started to communicate with some people. Hopefully it is a start to things being close to the way they were, because after everything that I have said and done, I wouldn't expect things to be the same. I hope to explain myself and try to smooth things over as well as I can.

Today I was told that I totally misunderstood everything, and it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it. In some ways, that is a relief, but in other ways, I feel completely stupid and embarrassed.

I still haven't made up my mind about staying here for the next 3 years. In some ways, I really love it here. All of my professors have been excellent, and a few have been exceptional. The setting is quite nice and the campus is beautiful. Most of the people around here are nice (at least some of the time), although I would like more diversity. I would love to have many more international students here. I would also like more diversity when it comes to social backgrounds. It seems as if the majority of the students here are white, beautiful, and rich; not that there is anything wrong with that, it just isn't reality.

Besides stress coming from my social life and my relationships with the people around me, I have also been stressed about my school work. I have already fallen way behind on readings, and it seems as if I will never be able to get caught up. I also have many projects, presentations, and lengthy papers to due this semester. I am a chronic and habitual procrastinator, which doesn't help me in this situation. Early in the semester, I was doing really well and was completing assignments ahead of time.

Another thing that makes me extremely stressed out, anxious, and nervous are the presentations that I must do. I have many self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I am always worried about being judged by others around me. I know I'm not very pretty or very thin, like many other girls around here, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I want to lose weight but going to the crowded gym is just too nerve-wracking. I try to eat right, but with all the stress and the late nights, I do tend to snack. When I'm depressed, I tend to binge eat. So for the moment, I feel trapped. When I tell people how nervous I am about the presentations, they tell me that everyone is nervous; they have no idea how nervous I get. When I give presentations, I usually have a panic attack. During a panic attack, I can hear my heartbeat inside my head. I begin to stutter and my pulse races frantically. The worst part though is feeling as if I am going to die, because I can't force my body to breathe; it is as if I am unintentionally suffocating myself in front of the class. I am working to alleviate my panic attacks and nervousness, but I know it will take time and practice.

My betta is currently living in a flower vase, and I don't think he is too happy about that. Tomorrow I hope to get him a new fish bowl and possible some glass marbles to replace the rocks that pollute his water with flecks of paint.

I have also been dealing with a lot of stuff from my past; namely my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father. My parents divorced when I was three because my father was an abusive alcoholic. Around Christmas when I was three, I watched my father attempt to strangle my mother. That memory continues to haunt me to this day. Despite his alcoholism, my father got partial custody of my younger sister and me. My father was like two totally different people combined into one. When he was drunk, he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards my sister and me. The littlest thing could set him off, and I was constantly walking on eggshells around him for fear of pissing him off. On the otherhand, when he was sober, he was the greatest father. He took us to the park, played baseball with us, and let us help him cook dinner. Despite everything he has done, I still love him and care about him. I hate some of the things he's done, but I still love him as a person and as my father. I never really told my mother what happened at my dad's house for fear of creating another conflict between my parents; besides, it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. While at my father's house, I was the mother to my sister. I made sure she took a bath and ate every meal. I made sure she didn't do anything to upset my father. To this day, I am still trying to boss her around in a way that should be left to my mother, which has created a rift between my sister and I. I am trying to stop being her mother and start being her big sister.

Short Sidenote: The Apple Blossom Festival takes place in my hometown of Winchester, Virginia, every year on the first weekend in May. There is a circus, a carnival, two parades, and many celebrities; which combine into one big party all over the city. It is to celebrate the blossoms blooming on the apple trees because Winchester and surrounding Frederick County was at one point in time the Apple Capital of the World. In fact, White House apple products are still produced and manufactured there.

When I was 12, my father asked me whether or not I wanted to spend Apple Blossom weekend with him. My mother usually took my sister and I to the circus and the parades. My father's idea of celebrating Apple Blossom was watching the parades on television. I called my father the week before Apple Blossom and told him that my sister and I would rather spend the weekend with my mother. He said okay. Well, my father never came to pick my sister and me up again. The weekend he asked me what I wanted to do for Apple Blossom was the last time I saw him. We have been estranged now for seven years. He always remembered our birthdays and would send cards to us. He would send us cards for all the major holidays as well. My sister and I would always send thank you cards in return. I believe last year, we forgot to send him a thank you card for the Easter cards he sent us. Since then he hasn't sent any cards. This Christmas, for the first time ever, we didn't get a card from him. I was hoping that I would at least get a card from him for my birthday which was February 10. His card was really all I wanted, even though I got many other nice things. But I didn't receive anything from him. I have been debating whether or not to send him a note to tell him if he would like to, he could send me letters here to R-MC. That way my mom wouldn't know about it, because my father is still a very sore subject; and plus I feel really weird whenever my father sends stuff to my mom's house.

I am also concerned with my mother's health. Her carotid artery is beginning to become clogged. The doctors have said that her diet and excercise are perfect and thus, there is no way to improve them. She is taking medication that makes her sick and may not even be helping. She is a single mother who works an 8 hour day. She gets up between 4:30 and 5:00 every morning and works non-stop at the hospital or at home until she goes to bed around 10:00 pm. I wish I were home so I could help her out. I feel helpless being two hours away. This is another factor that has caused me to question remaining at school.

All of these things combined has made me depressed, pissed off, and irritable lately. This has most likely exacerbated the conflict I have found myself in.

Well I think I have written enough for today. It is 11 pm and I haven't done any homework that is due tomorrow.