A Really Awful Day

Today has been a really awful day.

I took a walk into the shopping area near the train tracks here in Ashland, in order to go to the local pet store. The pet store was of better quality than I expected it to be. They had almost anything you could ever need.

I came back to my dorm room in order to clean my betta's tank, because it had been a week and the water was putrid. After safely transferring Firenze from his bowl, I went to dump the rocks from the bowl into a strainer to clean them. The middle finger on my left hand went straight through the glass, cutting my finger and embedding glass. I was bleeding quite badly and was trying to get the glass shards out of my finger. Eventually the flow of blood stopped, but I have yet to get the glass out from under my skin. Hopefully it will heal soon and not be too sore.

And if that wasn't enough, I feel very lonely because it is the weekend and I am doing nothing. I made some friends in the beginning of the year, and eventually gained completely different friends. I have very rarely had contact with my old friends, even though they live in the same hall. I feel horrible about the abrupt ending of our friendship.

I was having so much fun with my new friends and, believe it or not, I actually had a real social life for the first time ever. Now that is all gone. I don't know whether or not we are still friends. They never contact me, and whenever I knock on their doors, I feel like a stranger and an intruder. And despite what they may think, I have no other friends, only acquaintances. I have returned to being the social outcast I was in high school. I had friends, mind you, but we rarely talked outside of school, and never went out anywhere. In high school, I had no idea what I was missing. Then a few weeks ago, I gained a pretty good social life, just to have it crumble away. If I knew that this would happen, I would have never joined all the social fun. It is so much easier not to know what you are missing.

I am having serious doubts about graduating from this school, when a while ago I said I could stay here for six years. If I had my choice, I would leave this depression-filled nightmare behind and return home now, where it is okay to be a social outcast. At home, no one knows when I eat alone in the living room. Here, if you go to dinner alone people talk about you while staring, and wonder why no one wants to sit with you. Tonight no one came to ask me to go to dinner. So I decided just to go to the school's fast food place and get dinner to go. That way I could bring it back to my room and eat alone without anyone staring at me. While walking back by myself, people would look at me and then look away, as if I were not worth saying hello to. If you take a walk by yourself here, people think that there is something wrong with you. At home, it is okay to do anything by yourself including eating, walking, and shopping.

I have never actually had what I would consider a best friend, and I think my hopes of ever finding one here have just disappeared. I have heard most of my friends talking about how they won't be graduating from here. Is it worth me staying here if I will have no friends to graduate with or celebrate with? I don't know.

One of my maybe-friends (the new friends I made, but am not sure if I am still welcome in their group) told me yesterday that she was upset with me because she thought that I was trying to steal her best friend (another one of my maybe-friends) away from her. She said this because a lot of the things she used to do with her, I was now doing with her, and they never had any time just to do stuff by themselves. Yesterday I tried to stay out of their hair as best as I could. And today I only briefly talked to one of them. I will admit that they are hanging out more, now that I am out of the picture.

Ever since this morning, no one has attempted to talk to me. Apparently, I don't matter enough anymore to be worth their time or attention. I guess that's okay though. I should get more sleep and more homework done now that all my free time is completely freed up. And with me not having a car, and all of my maybe-friends having one, I guess I won't be making trips to Wal-Mart or Target and spending money I really don't have. Am I bitter and just trying to make myself feel better, because there is no one else to do it? Possibly.