Wednesday, September 6, 2006

The Beginning of Another Year

I arrived at school yesterday to begin my junior year of college. I think I brought almost everything I own with me, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to fit all of it in my cozy (a.k.a. small) single room.

Tonight I had a wonderful dinner with some of my friends, but knew that as soon as dinner was over I'd go back to my dorm room and it would be in the same cluttered and messy condition as when I left it.

I like things to be neat and organized, so I know exactly where everything is. I like for my room to be tidy and well-kept, as this curtails one cause of stress in my life. When my room is messy, I can't find anything. This causes me to panic, especially when I am running late.

After looking at the room and realizing how long it would take me to get everything unpacked and organized, I became overwhelmed. I got online and began talking to one of my friends who knows the state of my mental health. It didn't take long for the conversation to begin to take a dark and negative tone. I let my feelings of hopelessness and frustration dictate what I wrote. My friend kept telling me to just vent and let it all out, and I repeatedly gave negative responses to her questions and comments. She said that was fine with her, but then she suddenly signed off of AIM. I think that was her way of telling me she was tired of hearing about all of my issues and problems and especially me being negative. When she signed back on a few minutes later, she didn't even acknowledge me. I guess she didn't mean what she said earlier about being "more than happy to listen."

I think I really get on people's nerves. I think after people have dealt with my emotional issues for so long, I just need to disappear from their lives in order to free them from the burden I place on them. I care about them so much that I feel that separating myself from them forever, or at least until I get my emotions in check, which could be forever, is the best thing for them.